JINGLE ALL THE WAY
Rebecca Wan
Directed by: Brian Levant
Written by: Randy Kornfield
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger (Howard Langston), Sinbad (Myron Larabee), Phil Hartman (Ted zMaltin), Rita Wilson (Liz Langston), Robert Conrad (Officer Hummell), Martin Mull (DJ), Jake Lloyd (Jamie Langston), James Belushi, (Mall Santa). Produced by : Twentieth-Century Fox
Rating : **1/2
Run Time: Approx. 88 Minutes
CHRISTMAS TURKEY
It's hard not to like comedies starring muscley action heroes denying their true movie destiny. Watching Arnie painfully flubbing punchlines instead of throwing satisfying punches, and Sly languishing in a straightman role, where bad things keep happening to him instead of easily vanishing when he runs at them with his guns, has become such a delightful regularity (ohh, about once a year or so these days) that these so-called comedies are virtually a new genre on their own.
See, *these* guys, these Action Heroes who mistake breathing for acting, are funny *by themselves*. They're funny when they're expirating tough one-liners because they seem to believe so fully in their importance, but they're even funnier when they're pre tending not to notice how important they already are. On a metadramatic level, it's impossible not to adore the superhuman bravery involved in the Terminator swapping places with Emma Thompson in JUNIOR and tying himself genetically to Danny DeVito in TWINS, or when Rocky Balboa takes off his boxing gloves t o be smothered by his midget mother in STOP, OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT!
And like these others (except OSCAR, which I really kinda liked), JINGLE ALL THE WAY, with Arnold Schwarzenegger as a momentarily failed father trying to get back into his son's good graces, is pretty bad. The script is woefully cliched, the ideas deliber ately packaged into cute music video montages that will only irritate, and Arnold.. well, Arnold is just Arnold.
He's also Howard Langston, a bigwig at what appears to be a mattress production company, who misses his son's, Jamie's (Jake Lloyd), karate ceremony because he's too busy at the office. In a moment of human conviction he swears to make it up to him by get ting him anything he wants for Christams. Jamie wants a Turbo Man (which Schwarzenegger pronounces as "tear-bo man") Doll, the hero of his favourite action hero cartoon.
Of course the Turbo Man doll is an extremely popular item, and has been sold out since Thanksgiving. Langston's wife, Liz (Rita Wilson), did ask him to get one weeks ago, but he'd completely forgotten about it. Now it's Christmas Eve and he has one day to buy the doll as well as return home in time for the Christmas Parade that same night.
That's the premise of the story, which sends Howard on a self-inflicted quest throughout countless malls (including the Mall of America) to find and purchase the elusive Turbo Man doll. At stake is the somewhat fragile bond with his son, favour with an in creasingly unhappy wife ("Damn you, Howard," she whispers when he unwittingly yells at Jamie on the phone), and the very American need to redeem all past failings with his son by securing this one triumph. On the way he meets (and keeps meeting) a fellow parent and mailman called Myron (Sinbad) who also seeks a Turbo Man for his son, and crosses swords (and loses) more than once with an irate policeman (Robert Conrad).
The tribulations are many: store clerks laugh at him continuously in a silly montage sequence that really tells you what the film's going to be like from the start, massive parent crowds barrage toy stores and continually get the better of poor Arnie, eve n though he's big enough to eat most of them. In one instance he chases a ballot ball into a child's playpen and is creamed by mothers in handbags for being a pervert. In another he is lured by a mall santa (John Belushi) to a huge warehouse eerily filled to the brim with more merry Santas and fenced toys. He almost gets his doll here, but a brawl ensues that culminates in a police raid.
The latter sequence, with its surreal landscape of fluffy, crimson Santa thugs, is one of the better bits of JINGLE ALL THE WAY. Another nice part is the Turbo Man action cartoon that Jamie the son idolizes. A rough imitation of those strange Japanese act ion cartoon-dramas (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Masked Rider), the Turbo Man cartoon comes with sidekicks and cool metallic outfits. Coolest, however, is the final sequence which pits Howard against Myron in a surreal titanic battle for a special editio n of the Turbo Man doll (it's gold-plated!) as both men play out their roles as Good and Evil personified on the Turbo Man float at the Christmas parade. I'm going to beat you, Myron crows convincingly, because I have a bigger brain! He does, indeed. It's purple and we can see it sticking out of his head in a transparent globe filled with brainwater.
For the most part however, expect variations of the same theme from KINDERGARTEN COP, JUNIOR and even TWINS, that will probably form the basis of all Arnold comedies: ordinary life is just too *hard*; watch Arnold grimace and lose out to his perfect, cook ie-baking neighbour (played smarmily by Phil Hartman) who dispenses Christmassy duties with annoying cheer, watch him get bullied by a real reindeer and flail hopelessly when it comes to something as mundane as Christmas shopping.
JINGLE ALL THE WAY is pitched like a mockup of the disgusting consumerism that rares its head during the Christmas season. But the flat dialogue and overly sentimental portions go very far towards smothering all life from this potentially satiric movie.
The Flying Inkpot Rating System:
* Wait for the TV2 broadcast.
** A little creaky, but still better than staying at home with Gotcha!
*** Pretty good, bring a friend.
**** Amazing, potent stuff.
***** Perfection. See it twice.
Rebecca Wan is a full-time radish at the famed Jardin Des Vertes. In her spare time, she councils wayward tubers and administers to backsliding carrots.
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